My Story…
One of (if not THE) most traumatic things to happen in my life was receiving news of my father’s terminal lung cancer diagnosis. It was a shock, coming totally out of the blue. He was young, healthy, and 54 years old. And he was my favorite person, my hero. The most happy, joyful, and full-of-life person I have ever known.
When I received the phone call, I literally felt the world stop for several moments. I remember the sensation of my ears ringing and of feeling like I “LEFT” and went somewhere else… and then when I “came back,” I was never the same… nothing was ever the same. It was a new reality of pain and heartbreak. My world and my life forever changed.
I was 27 years old. I had just moved down to Virginia Beach with my partner at the time. We had been so excited to start our life together down there. We thought it was going to be one of the best times, one of the highlights of our lives.
But this news of my father’s impending and inevitable death came crashing down on me and ripped me apart from the inside out. I loved my dad more than anything. I could not imagine a life without him. How would I survive this?
The news of my father’s terminal illness was then followed by a series of other devastating losses between 2017 and 2019…
the death of my grandfather
a terrible breakup
the loss of my new home (and dreams of my life) in Virginia Beach
and having to move back to New York by myself
And of course, the worst part of all was witnessing my father’s illness, suffering, and death up close.
It absolutely destroyed me. And I do not say that lightly.
My father suffered tremendously with this horrific cancer. And my family and I bore witness to it.
He didn’t want me to see it. Didn’t want me to witness his pain. Didn’t want some of my last memories of him to be these.
But I couldn’t leave him.
I wanted to have every possible second with him I could get.
Because even when things were really bad, he was still the light and joy of my life.
So I held his cries of pain deep in some (now) broken place inside of me.
The expressions of agony on his face.
The “death rattle” that shook me to my core and sounded like torture during his last hours.
All of this coming from my absolute favorite person.
It broke something in me.
It haunted me. Made me sick.
I remember thinking that I was surprised that I didn’t die simply as a result of witnessing all of this.
I still cry as I write about it. I can still feel it in my body.
COVID-19 hit a few months after my dad passed away, and during 2020 and 2021 I also lost…
my grandmother (my dad’s mom)
our sweet dog, Teddy (who was part of the family for 17 years!)
and my other grandmother developed severe dementia/Alzheimers.
The word my brother used to describe all of this was “disorienting”... and that was the perfect word. So many key components that we had always identified with during the first three decades of our lives were just GONE.
Who even were WE anymore?
And then, crazily enough, the lovely apartment I was living in at the time was unexpectedly and abruptly deemed “unsafe” (because it was quite literally slowly sinking into the ground!) and everyone that lived there was required to move out within six weeks.
It was loss after loss after loss. And so much pain.
I truly didn’t think I would ever move through it. I thought it would swallow me up until I disappeared into nothing.
And yet somehow… I survived. I kept on going. Forever changed and carrying my grief with me, but still going.
We never really know how long we (and the people we love) have left.
So I became determined to LIVE.
To REALLY LIVE.
And to LOVE.
GROWTH:
I wish that my dad’s terminal cancer had never happened. I would do anything to have him back. Literally anything.
AND, given that I cannot change the devastating reality of his illness and passing, I CHOOSE to excavate the value from the experience.
Nothing annoys me like “toxic positivity” and/or “spirtual byspassing” of difficult/painful emotions.
But this is different.
My yoga teacher, friend, and mentor, Adi Shakti, talks about something called the “Value Excavation Mindset.”
Essentially, it is the decision to make the choice NOT to allow a devastating experience destroy you. It is the choice NOT to let this experience turn you into a shell of yourself, or into someone that holds onto anger, resentment, and a victim mentality.
World-renowned grief researcher, David Kessler, talks about (eventually) “turning pain into purpose” and that is what I have been doing… what I intend to continue to do.
I have learned so much. I have learned to feel deep gratitude for the simple things. To notice the small things. To seek solace all around me.
I have learned to more deeply cherish phone calls with loved ones.
The beautiful and happy moments shared.
The light of the sun at golden hour.
The fluttering by of a butterfly or hummingbird.
A warm hug.
The feeling of the ocean.
The smell of the rain.
The sound of a loved ones’ laughter.
A perfect night of dancing with friends to my favorite music.
An amazing meal.
A slow morning with a cup of tea.
ALL OF IT.
The knowledge of the fragility of life paralyzed me at first. It did for years. And that is completely OK. It was necessary.
But then there was a shift, where I started to see this knowledge as an invitation to really LIVE!! I am so grateful for this knowledge and how it helps me live my life more meaningfully each day.
I signed up for my 300hr YTT in March of 2020 and it became a lifeline for me. I started to pull myself out of the grief and trauma-induced hole of depression I was in. I started to reconnect with my faith in something greater. I started to believe again that life could be beautiful and happy. I started to feel brave enough to pursue my dreams and leave the safe/secure trajectory that I was on.
Then in 2021, soon after turning 30, I left my home and my job to pursue more of my dreams, to travel and see more of the world, to begin to heal my broken heart, and to find myself again.
There have been many ups and downs, but I have certainly grown immensely over the past several years. Selling all of my belongings, leaving my job and my home, and taking off into the world with nothing but a backpack was an attempt to live my life to the fullest. It was also an immense act of surrendering to a higher power.
I have awoken in so many ways during this time and feel greater awareness and purpose!
And now, I am ready to get more grounded, put some roots down, and take this energy and turn it into something beautiful… The Solace Space!!
One of my favorite quotes is…
“Leap and the net will appear.”
…and I have found this to be true time and time again throughout my journey.
Thank you for being here with me!
PROMPTS:
How can the awareness of the fragility of life provide an invitation for you to live with more intention, gratitude, and meaning?
What brings you solace?
My story will be published in the book Post-Traumatic Growth as part of a co-authorship experience, led by the amazing Adi Shakti of SoulWork™.
